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Hello There, Grief...

Hande Walker, MA, LLP

I feel like I am getting to know a different aspect of my grief each day. Grief for me is like one of those people that you are intimidated by. You think you know everything about them, but then they do something unexpected and completely take you by surprise. The kind of person that is unpredictable but not in a bad or unhealthy, manipulative way. The kind of person that cannot categorize their personality type in a number, because they are more complex than that. The kind of person from whom you feel there is so much to learn, even though you’ve known them forever. It never gets boring, but it’s a bit exhausting because sometimes you just want to be around simplicity, predictability, and even boring, as you do not always feel up for an

adventure. So anyway, imagine that person, but it’s not a person - it’s an emotion instead. That is how I experience my grief!


Recently, I have realized that my grief makes me want to take action. It gives me the “sense of urgency” to act on a thought or an idea. The action step is not always in line with my values, what would be in my best interest, or what would benefit my relationships. I sometimes find myself wanting to provide a manual for my clients who are going through grief. To be able to

tell them when their grief is going to end or be more manageable. Why do I want a manual?


This is a question I battle with a lot in my line of work. Because most things are so abstract, I crave a manualized approach to tell me what to say or what to do. When it comes to grief especially, I also think I need the manual to have some sense of certainty and familiarity, so the process of grieving does not get more overwhelming than it already is.


Grief feels distinct from other emotions in this way, as it has a quality that never ceases to baffle me. Like, you do not know when it’s going to hit you, even if you identify and go through every single possible scenario you can imagine to know what to do and how to take care of yourself when you’re reminded of your loss. It is like the universe finds a clever or sneaky way to surprise you when you expect it the least.


Let’s talk about anxiety, for example. Anxiety can be sneaky too and manifest in subtle ways sometimes. Not the intense physical symptoms that feel like you are going to have a heart attack and die, but when you experience rumination, can’t stop overthinking something, when you are being short with your partner or feel irritated and agitated. That is easier to chalk up to

anxiety for me. For some reason, it is easy for me to understand and conceptualize anxiety. To understand the impact of anxiety on relationships, for instance, is easier to grasp and come to terms with. If I am anxious and easily annoyed, I will relate to others in a way that will reflect the ‘not so pleasant state of my mind/being.’


When it comes to grief though, it feels as if all of a sudden, I do not know how to be a human and do humanly things. When I am grieving, I do not always understand how I feel physically or regard the sensations in my body - or even the energy around me - as a reflection of my grief. For some reason, it is very hard to make that mind-body connection for me in the context of grief.It is also hard to put this into words, as I feel like I am trying to describe something so intangible. It’s as if you have to experience it to know and to understand.


I recently realized that “the urge to do something and fix it” comes from a place of hurt, sadness, and powerlessness attached to the grief related to a loss I experienced a few years ago. Not wanting to come to terms with something that is so unfixable, so irreversible. Not wanting to accept that there is no chance to make it better anymore. It is over, and I have to accept that I must move on.Yuck! Even writing this in a very clear and conclusive way right now evokes uncomfortable feelings and sensations in my body. Hello there, grief! I see and recognize you now!


Finally, not suppressing or ignoring the presence of my grief is helping me not make impulsive decisions or take actions when there is no action to take. For example, calling that person that my brain somehow convinced me was such a good idea, even supporting its argument with persuasive reasons that provided a sudden (false) sense of relief. I felt like I was finally on to something. Finally, I found a way to reverse the situation and make everything go back to what it was before. I am excited, hopeful, and it feels too good to be true. Then reality sets in. After engaging in some reflection and feeling more grounded in the painful reality, I realized my “protective part” was trying so hard to not let me feel the pain of loss and grief.


One time, my protective part worked so skillfully that I even convinced my therapist that I was making the right decision with the action I was planning on taking. My therapist even told me jokingly that I should be a lawyer. Apparently I was so persuasive. I really want to give credit to my protective part for working so hard to keep me safe. I initially was so upset and embarrassed about that protective part that ran the show that day, for going to such lengths to prove her point right, not caring about the consequences of her almost-impulsive actions. Then, I realized it was that protective part that would not let me develop a relationship with my grief - so much so that I felt numb when my body was screaming for help, begging to be seen.


With the help of therapy, I was able to understand the incredibly hard work my protective part was taking on so that I did not feel the pain of loss. Only then did I start to have compassion for this amazing, courageous, kind, younger part of me. I reassured her that despite the pain, I was glad to be in touch with my grief. Because feeling disconnected from the pain also meant I was disconnected from the other positive things that were going on in my life. I was just an observer of myself - of my life - like watching myself in a movie as an audience member, not knowing I am the main actor and I can change the course of things. How exciting and empowering! But also scary and risky. That was when I realized I’d rather live in reality and learn ways to manage my grief (just like I did with anxiety) than live in a fantasy world, hoping and wishing that someday my brain will find a way to get back what I have lost.


Witnessing so many of my clients who are in different phases of their grief journey and their relentless attempts at cognitive bypassing made me realize how important it is to find manageable ways to allow grief to exist. Simply acknowledging the presence of grief and being honest with myself about the intensity of the pain helped me relate to my grief in a different way. It did not become this scary thing or a danger zone I never wanted to go near. Instead, I realized I had to learn to honor its existence and adaptive function in my life. Easier said than done- I know. However, coming to this realization gradually brought me an unexpected sense of relief - knowing I do not have to fear grief. Because when you add fear to the mix, it’s as if the thing you are avoiding intensifies by multitudes.


I think what helped me a lot was curiosity and openness to this new entity that was coming my way. Also, resourcing myself - expanding my capacity to handle big emotions (positive and negative) - was necessary if I was going to take an honest look at my loss. It required a lot of courage that I didn’t have at the time - not realizing courage was something I could cultivate when I opened up more space for the unknown and embraced the fear. And embracing the fear didn’t look “cute,” like what you see in the movies, when somebody finally confronts and overcomes their fear.


Inevitably, I will experience another loss in life, but having a stronger relationship with grief itself - knowing more aspects of grief and having an open and curious attitude towards it - means grief finally does not feel like such a strange territory, like the person I was describing in the beginning. It also does not take control of my life or does not dictate my decisions. I, at least, have more neutrality towards it, rather than completely denying its presence. I can’t say that I am excited to interact with it at all times or that I look forward to its unannounced arrival. However, I am interested in listening and hearing what it has to tell me. At the very least, I do not find myself fantasizing about a manual to help me interact with my grief anymore (I never read them anyway). And I am happy with that progress.


Hande Walker, MA, LLP is a therapist at Restore Therapy Collective. In her free time Hande enjoys long walks or a hike in the nature. Besides spending time with friends and family, Hande loves reading-especially psychological thriller books. To schedule an appointment with Hande, please send a secure message through our contact form.

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Election Overload: How to Manage Anxiety During the Election Season

October 3, 2024
I don’t know about you, but I have found it increasingly hard to feel emotionally and mentally grounded as political campaigns continue to ramp up. Its felt like I’ve been sitting on a rollercoaster of emotions—often awaiting the next twist or turn or sudden abrupt stop causing mental whiplash. Depending on the level of consumption, involvement, and proximity to news, social media, and local & national campaigns, the onslaught of information, debates, and discussions can increase levels of stress and anxiety. A poll conducted by the American Psychiatry Association found that over 70% of respondents are feeling anxious about the election. In times of uncertainty and while we wait to cast our votes, its crucial for us to acknowledge the stress and anxiety we’re enduring as well as learn effective strategies to cope with the feelings that the election season elicits. Here are some strategies to help you stay grounded and calm during the election season. 1. Unplug from the news If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed after watching campaign updates or scrolling social media, take some time away from the constant influx of information. Consider setting limits on how much you engage with media or utilize an app that consolidates your news. 2. Practice mindfulness as you encounter the news When you do interact with media and news, be aware of how it is impacting your mental and emotional states. Ask yourself how its affecting your mood and what you might need to do to manage increased anxiety or work toward more emotional regulation. Take some deep breaths and pay attention to what your body and mind are telling you. 3. Prioritize taking care of yourself Nurturing the connection between your social, emotional, mental, and physical well being can help you de-stress. Taking care of yourself in one aspect is going to impact others—go for a walk, spend time with friends, try a new relaxation app, or talk to your therapist. 4. Seek out supportive communities Finding like-minded individuals who foster positive and supportive environments can provide a sense of comfort during election season. Engaging in discussions and sharing thoughts and feelings in such communities can help lessen feelings of anxiety and isolation. 5. Focus on what you can control Taking action by getting involved, volunteering, or participating in safe discussions can give you a sense of purpose. Anxiety can be a powerful motivator if addressed in healthy ways! 6. Find a therapist If you find that your anxiety is becoming overwhelming and affecting your daily life, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist provides a safe space to process your emotions, develop coping strategies, and increase options and resources to help keep you grounded. It’s okay to take a moment to check in with yourself and prioritize your mental health as we all navigate this season of anxiety and uncertainty. Find ways to stay informed and engaged that allow you to take care of yourself. Looking for a therapist? Contact Restore Therapy Collective to schedule your first appointment. Lindsey Afton, M.A., LMFT, LPC, PMH-C, EMDR-C is a therapist, supervisor, & the Practice Coordinator at Restore Therapy Collective. While not wearing one of the many Restore-related hats, you can find her constantly exploring new methods of self-care, learning how to parent while grieving, and searching for the next perfect meme.

Ways to Silence Imposter Syndrome

By Rachel Schelhaas, LMSW • April 28, 2024
When I first started as a therapist I struggled to find my footing and feel secure in my new profession. I didn’t realize it right away but it turns out I was going through something that almost everyone does at some point in their life: Imposter Syndrome. A person feeling imposter syndrome will typically experience self-doubt or insecurity in their abilities brought on by transitioning into a new role. In a person’s internal narrative, this might sound like thoughts such as: ● “Am I really good at this?” ● “Is this really where I belong?” ● “Am I doing this right?” ● “Am I making a difference?” This type of thinking arises for many people. At times it may cause anxiety that can lead to unhelpful behaviors. Let’s take some time to run through the most common negative reactions and positive alternatives to manage these anxieties. Putting Up Defenses Defensiveness is a normal reaction given the fact that you’ve likely worked really hard to get where you are. It’s crazy how a simple question like, ”how old are you?”, can set this into motion. Defending does not typically allow for growth, it’s often a band aid on insecurity. Antidote: Be Honest with Yourself and Others Despite the urge to defend I would encourage you to welcome the questions and validate the concern behind them. I’ve learned through experience that others care less about what you’ve done and more about whether you’re willing to acknowledge an age gap or be honest when put on the spot. One of my newer go to responses is “It makes sense that you’d ask that question. I want to ensure you feel secure in our work together and although I can’t promise that, I’m hopeful that that might be something that would come with time”. I can try to defend my schooling, talent, and list the training I’ve been to but I’d recommend when the urge to defend shows up, set it to the side to acknowledge the feeling that might be behind the question being asked. Feeling Lost There are often moments with imposter syndrome where our mind questions our abilities and instincts. This can lead to uncertainty with direction and wavering with decision making. With anything new in life a lack of clarity can occur. Feeling directionless can often leave us playing it too safe or unsure of what our next move should be. Antidote: Mentorship In moments when you are really struggling with feeling like you are fumbling through I would encourage you to seek out mentorship. Find someone who has been in the role you are currently in for a long time. You will likely be pleased to discover they once went through exactly what you are experiencing now. These connections not only make you feel less alone but can be valuable opportunities to learn and bond with people around you. Insecurity At times we can struggle with our confidence when in a new role. This can look like self-doubt or second guessing. This can be an internal battle but it is often visible to those we interact with within our new role. Despite urges to keep this feeling internal there can be useful ways to express what’s going on to be able to move forward. Antidote: Seek Candid Feedback One of the ways to know how you’re doing and learn from mistakes is to ask for feedback. This was a mistake I made in the first few months of being a therapist. I thought that at times asking for input made me look like I lacked confidence. In reality getting client’s feedback and input has made me feel more secure in being able to meet needs and tailor what I do to be more beneficial. I encourage you to ask for feedback even when it’s uncomfortable and look to others for input and run with it to make small changes day by day. Over the course of time this can make a big difference in gaining confidence and feeling secure. Some people like to use the phrase “fake it til you make it”. When imposter syndrome shows up anxiety or at times panic are normal reactions and responses that most people experience, you don’t have to hide this or fake confidence. Instead of allowing these feelings to manifest as unhelpful behaviors, be honest about where you’re at, seek out support, and elicit feedback that will help you make changes along the way. Rachel Schelhaas, LMSW is a therapist at Restore Therapy Collective. Rachel enjoys working with clients to increase their insight and understanding of themselves in order to bring their best self to the relationships that matter most. In her spare time you can catch Rachel going for long walks, cooking a tasty meal, reading an audio book, or searching for unique finds at the thrift store.

The Power of a Word

By Jen Hutchings, PhD, LMFT • August 3, 2023
I can’t set a boundary with my mom. I can’t run a 5K. I can’t go to the grocery store alone. These are examples of typical statements we say to ourselves, likely even several times a day. Even though the content can vary depending on the person, the end result is the same. The typical statements above, if said often enough contribute to even more negative self-thoughts. These negative thoughts can make us feel stuck if left unchecked. Negative thoughts prevent us from seeing new possibilities in our life and get in the way of making changes. One of the things that can help us get unstuck is to change our mindset by changing the words we say to ourselves. Since we’re the person we spend the most time with, it is important to speak to ourselves the same way we would want others to speak to us. To foster a change in these thoughts, it needs to be habitual, consistent, and reliable self-talk. This may be difficult at first as we tend to ignore how limiting and impactful our negative thoughts can be. Sometimes one small change in the words we say to ourselves can open our minds to the possibility that the way we speak to ourselves has a large impact on the way we feel. This impact can even help us define our goals more clearly and create a clearer image of who we really are or strive to be. Sometimes our goals are specific: I want to run a 5K for the Halloween Fun Run. Sometimes they start broader: I want to increase my self-esteem. I’ve found that often before we even start to act on the goals and develop a plan, we need to tackle the obstacles, in this case, the negative phrases that we tell ourselves, each day such as: I’m not a good guitar player. I’m not a good conversationalist. I’ve never had a good relationship. My challenge for you is to open your mind to the possibility that the words we say impact the way we grow and change. The first step is to convince your brain to open the door to these foreign words that can strengthen our confidence to change. When I work with clients, sometimes they will voice self-limiting phrases that they believe to be 100% true At the end of their statement, I’ll pause, and gently add the word, ‘yet’. They often smile and recognize that the stuck feeling they feel ends as soon as see the choice between ‘never’ and ‘yet’. That even though things feel overwhelming and impossible now, there is a potential that things could be different, maybe even better down the road. Here's my trick and your challenge. Add the word YET at the end of your negative thought: I can’t set a boundary with my mom. YET. I can’t run a 5K. YET. I can’t go to the grocery store alone. YET. I’m not a good guitar player. YET. I’m not a good conversationalist. YET. I’ve never had a good relationship. YET. Does that feel different? This small change gives your brain the message that another option is possible, and it has the potential for big change. That you can experience a different outcome by changing or adding a word. That you aren’t stuck in always being the same, forever. Once your brain believes that a different thought is even possible, you can start to explore new options and how you’re going to get there. It is a kinder, more compassionate, more patient way of gently reminding yourself that growth is possible every day. Then you’ll be able to catch yourself more regularly, changing your negative thoughts to more hopeful and compassionate ones. What thought are you going to add the word ‘yet’ to? Your homework for the week is to catch yourself thinking a negative self-thought. Then add the word ‘yet’ and see what happens. This small change is the minimum amount that you deserve. You are worth making this change and adding more self-kindness into your life. It’s a small change that will add up to big possibilities. Now get started on loving yourself the way you would love others.  Jen Hutchings, Ph.D, LMFT is a Therapist and Clinical Supervisor at Restore Therapy Collective. Jen started Restore as as way to help clients heal and grow through struggles in their life by connecting them with excellent, caring therapists. In her free time, Jen hangs out with with family and friends, snuggles her pets, and is always on the search for the perfect cup of tea.
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